2012 – End Of My World or New Beginnings?
I never have given 2012 (the end of the world) too much thought or energy. Instead, I began expressing the desire to work from home – adding value to the lives of others at the end of that year (the time when the world as we know it will seize to exist).
The year 2011 was and still is filled with hard work, opportunity and the integration of learning of the previous year. Some opportunities were explored but the areas where we found ourselves most inspired and in high spirits, were when we were in service. We found ourselves passionately committed to the love for others and found ourselves giving most of our energy here – in service as Loving Perspectives. Shoukey has always been very spontaneous and easy while I have always been one to plan, reassess goals and possible strategies – somewhat of a control freak! I guess hence the undertone of my conviction that 2012 would be the year of winding up the old and implementing the new.
But so often, life strikes at almost the most inconvenient times. I literally woke up one morning feeling sad with no true justification to why. I tried verbalising what I thought I was experiencing to Shoukey but not even I could make sense of my lament. As the days went by, I found my discomfort slowly eroding my thinking as I found myself in an enormous battle with Shoukey. But it really was a one-sided battle as my poor husband had no clue what to do with me and so all he could offer me was his silence – silence which inspired me to wrap my fingers around his little neck and squeeeeeez….
I decided to consult with my mentor to explore what I was experiencing but even she was somewhat baffled by my behaviour. “Rayhaana my darling, have you considered that you may be menopausal?” I remember looking at Aunty Nuru thinking, “My God, is that the best you can come up with?” Instead I just expressed the impossibility since in my humble opinion I am too young! However, she insisted that I consider having a check done which would rule out the dreaded menopause.
I left her home and summoned myself back to the class of my own possible unresolved ‘stuff’ but it was much more than this. What I discovered days later shocked me into silence – a positive pregnancy test! Yes, the raging hormones was not menopause after all! Shoukey and I decided to conduct the test together and while waiting for the colour bands to do its magic, we performed wudoo (ablutions) for Fajr (our early morning prayer). While drying his feet, Shoukey turned to see the result while I tried to avoid this little white contraption desperately trying to visualise only one line in my mind. But I was undeniably pregnant because even from a distance I could see the two lines without squinting. “Oh dear God” was my immediate thought….”how freaking embarrassing! There goes all of my dreams and plans for 2012…..my life is over!” My ego kicked in immediately and ran the show. I’m sure that Shoukey must have read my thoughts as he gently stroked my back and lead me to the lounge to proceed for Fajr prayers. But mid way through prayers I found myself sobbing. Soon after, Shoukey’s embrace comforted and silenced my unspoken thoughts.
As the days went by, our clients increased and our conversation about our latest discovery decreased. Perhaps Shoukey knew that I needed time to digest it all. After thoughts of, “What will my family say, how would my colleagues respond to this, how will I cope with FIVE children”, I decided to meditate about my seemingly shattered dreams. I soon realised that sometimes God shows such divine commitment and support during our missions to achieve, that we would often perceive it as a dead end. I saw that the gift of another child as perhaps God’s way of endorsing and confirmation my desire to serve my community full time. It was a defined ‘done deal’ spiritual hand shake with an obvious restructuring of my 2012. I’m certain that if God’s voice was perceptible, He would have whispered, “Rayhaana, that favourite phrase of yours doing what I have to do so I can do what I want to do is getting lame even for me child. Here’s a little gift of inspiration to help you live your passion.”
Well, two weeks later Shoukey beat me to my first doctor’s appointment by arriving early. The receptionist there announced as I walked in, “Mrs Jaffer, we were just talking about you!” When I inquired about what was said, their response was, “Your husband just told us that he has no idea how it happened, he says he was asleep the entire time!” They laughed, Shoukey louder than the ladies in fact which eased some of my anxiety around my first official visit. All of the worry and concern dissipated when we heard the heartbeat of our unborn. But I was taken back even more by Shoukey’s behaviour afterward. It was as though he had fallen in-love all over again.
I had become selective about who I would share our news with and the most humorous response was by my dearest friend. I sent her a message telling her that she would be an ‘aunty’ again saying, “Nads, I now look like those women who has nothing better to do but to lay with my legs open.” Her response was, “You’ve always looked like ‘those women’ darling….You know….The kind that actually get to have fun!” The most hilarious response however was when Shoukey decided to share his new line, “Bernice, I don’t know how it happened, I was asleep the entire time” to which she responded, “Hell, that must’ve been one helluva wet dream hey?”
Slowly I tried getting use to the idea of being pregnant again after just dropping two pants sizes and four kilograms. After thinking I had my future figured out and my new year planned but most importantly after believing that I am in control. I never was and never will be. I guess the value of it all is that both Shoukey and I have embraced the subtle guidance which we were offered, that sometimes challenges arrives to question the commitment of our dreams and the loyalty of our goals, that it never is about what anyone else thinks but about what we believe is right as a team and that sometimes finding the answer means looking beyond our current reality.
2012 and every year is like standing in front of the blank canvas of our lives. What we design and sketch depends on us and sometimes the Divine adds His favorite colors to complete our portrait.