A Holiday in the classroom
I thought I had my December holiday planned – three weeks of bliss with my family but I had no idea that there is one school in specific that never has a vacation….the school called LIFE.
Here I was, fairly confident in my relationship with Shoukey when it was exam time at the universal school of progression. It was time to test whether I had truly understood my past and whether I was ready to move to the next level of understanding in my journey. It was just a few months before when I made a commitment to myself to pursue a unique spiritual path – a path to meet the one god some of us never find – the god within. This is the same god who would eventually acquaint me with the greatest omnipotent divine whom some relentlessly seek.
The moment I committed, my world changed. Challenges found me frequently – my unexpected pregnancy, my working environment and now while on vacation, my relationship with my soul companion…my husband. I have always seen him as my hero, my idol, the ideal example of a good, sincere human being. I wanted to emulate Shoukey, learn his ways – his patience, his gentle heart and sincerity. Yet suddenly from nowhere I began noticing things about Shoukey that was not making me too happy. Things he use to do, things that were somewhat difficult even in the past, things I reluctantly at some point tried to dismiss – Saying ‘I love you’. Even when I would hold him close at night and whisper, “I love you”, he would mutter something back which hardly sounded like a reciprocation of what I expressed. Though it was amusing at some point in our marriage, this had suddenly become unacceptable to me.
I confronted him about his non expression of affection to which he shared a illogical response….NOTHING and as the weeks past he subtly attempted expressing that his way of sharing affection is and always has been through his actions. A minute part of me was very aware of this because he is amazing in his ‘doing’ aspect of our relationship and I knew that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me. However at this junction, my minute understanding was just not sufficient and so my thinking turned into that of a victim….into that of a little girl. I wouldn’t let go of being right – that Shoukey was refusing to fulfil on what I believed was a critical need of mine – the need to ‘hear’ him say that he loves me. The absurdity of it all was that I had found myself at a junction where I no longer wanted to feel that I needed to ‘hear’ him say it. After researching my ‘why’ for days after with tears and bitterness, I was forced to face a painful reality – that my past had shackled me from truly loving this beautiful being I am spending my life with.
The ‘unloved’ feeling had followed me from old relationships – not just of previous partners but the need to ‘hear’ I love you from my parents. My past had haunted me and during what was meant to be the best vacation ever, I finally met the ghost of my past face to face. I understood even after many workshops and training that the lesson here is to embrace the love that stopped growing within me. It was time to revisit this place inside myself, befriend it and nurture it. Understanding it all, I decided to have one final sharing session with Shoukey, expressing why I believed his expression of affection was so important to me. I did it with an open heart and with the intention of letting go of the expectation to ever hear him say ‘I love you’ or reciprocate it. But the strangest thing happened, Shoukey recommitted to expressing affection and reinforced that he always has and always will feel deep love for me. At that very moment, there was a sudden change of heart within me. The ‘need’ to hear him say he loves me, suddenly dissolved into nothingness. Somewhere within me a switch was turned on – the switch of understanding, the switch of letting go or perhaps the switch of forgiveness and recommitting within myself to love and nurture me first.
Shoukey, without even realising had become an important part of my journey. He was my catalyst for change. Perhaps he had come to show me what love should really look like and how to redirect deep unconditional love toward myself always. I am honoured to share space with an amazing human being, a guiding soul – my husband.
“No relationship is ever perfect. The gift of a partner is to complete you buy showing you the parts which leads to your soul. The wisdom in it all is the bravery to understand that all that is offered is a golden thread to true happiness” – RJaffer